The Happiness Toolkit: The Secrets of Success, Fulfilment and Finding Your True Self by Alexander Butler

Author:Alexander Butler
Language: eng
Format: azw3, epub
Published: 2023-07-26T07:00:00+00:00

We exist on many levels. When I choose to do something, or when I do something without noticing, there will have been a reason for it. We do nothing without a reason, even if that reason is as simple as: I scratched because I had an itch. Many clients who come to see me begin by telling me about things that they’ve done, or which have happened to them, and when I ask why these things happened they tell me ‘they just did’ or ‘no reason’. I always say that we do everything for a reason. It’s an important assumption to make. If we believe we do things without any reason, there’s nothing to examine, understand, learn or overcome. If we believe that there’s a reason behind everything we do, it becomes our job to understand all of our motivations, and the knowledge we gain is hugely empowering.

Some of the things that motivate and drive us don’t even exist any more: something was right for us once, and we keep responding in the same way. For example, we might spend years with a partner who makes unkind comments about our appearance. You adapt, either trying to look nice for them or giving up on looking nice altogether. Later, you break up but you continue to behave in the same way. Each morning you get ready, or keep asking for the same haircut, but the original motivator has gone. You’ve settled into a pattern.

However, each time we recycle choices which have ceased to be relevant for us, we have the option to choose to do something else instead. Everything is choice: some part of us chose to say that word, or perform that action, or think that thought, or make that choice.

Some motivations sit closer to the surface than others. Some impulses are obvious and we tend to be pretty aware of them. When we take the time to examine these motivations, we tend to find that they sit upon other, deeper and more fundamental ones. Often, these sit upon deeper still and more profound reasons.

As an example, let’s go back to the choice to make an effort to look nice. One day, I choose to wear nice clothes, take care of my personal grooming, get a nice haircut. It’s something we all do sometimes – some of us do it more often than others. But it takes effort: it’s an active choice.

The obvious surface motivations are that it feels good, and I like the responses I get from others. People might comment on the way I look. I catch a glimpse of myself in the mirror and I like what I see. Perhaps somebody is attracted to the way I look and a new connection is formed that brings all kinds of possibilities with it. By taking this action, I get a range of positive, warming sensations which all came about because I made a certain choice. I hoped these things would happen, which is why I made the choice I did.

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